Michel Temer

President of Brazil

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The vampire himself. Derided by his many enemies as a golpista who unfairly ousted Dilma from power, while lauded by his supporters as…well, actually, the man has very few supporters.

His approval rating hovers between 4-8%, but a good portion of those people are investors and congressmen (including this gentleman, who got Temer’s name tattooed on him). His reforms (both approved and proposed) have proven to be very popular with them, though. A masterful backroom dealer, he knows where all the skeletons are hidden because he went to high school with half of them. He is kept spry and youthful by a combination of plastic surgery, a wife 43 years younger than him, and the blood of young maids abducted by his loyal aide Alexandre de Moraes.

The appropriate way to mention his name for half the country is to scream, with all one’s might, “Fora Temer!” (“Down with Temer!”). For the other half, it’s muttered under one’s breath with a deep, deep sense of shame for what they have wrought.

As for the political scandals he’s been involved with, there are too many to count.